If not our friends then who?
I have few friends. This is not entirely by design. I have always had difficulty creating and maintaining relationships. The few friends I do have are very important to me. This is not an attempt to gain sympathy, but rather stage setting for discussion.
While they are important, this is not to say that the relationship is without conflict and confliction. I do not treat my friendship lightly and do not give it easily or ever really renounce it. There have been very few cases where I’ve drawn the line and killed a friendship. I’ve let many die of their own devices. I am not proud of this, but I am honest. That I do not take friendship for granted is more than just saying it. A relationship is more than words, which is part of the problem.
Part of the reason I have few friends is my own abrasiveness. I pride myself on not saying things about people I would not say to their face (perhaps not word for word, but the content would be the same). But sometimes I don’t know where to draw the line between honesty and frivolous opinion. But truth is truth, right?
If we cannot be truthful about our friends then who can be? If the closeness of a relationship only affords one the ability to lie then is the relationship worth keeping? Anyone can say good things, saying good things is easy. It’s saying the hard things that is, in my opinion, the duty of ones friends. It is unfortunate that the hard things are often the bad things, the mean things, the critical things.
It is easy for me to say these things, because I am naturally judgmental. Judgmental and often holding people to unrealistic expectations of behavior and life (including myself). Lovers and therapists have tried to help me with this little problem for years.
This is something I struggle with every day. Success, and success at any cost is not success. Life is not war and (perhaps more importantly) war is not life.
I have a point.
The point is that as I get older I come to realize that sometimes you have to say something. Sometimes people you care about do things you’d rather they not have done. It’s OK to be angry at them. Sometimes the relationship cannot survive. Sometimes it can. You cannot know until afterwards, and even then sometimes you can’t really know.
But you can hope. And you can be truthful, most of the time. And for me especially, you can forgive and allow
yourself to be forgiven. It’s near the end of the year, and this next year I am going to endevor to be a better friend and a better person. I am going to hope that the costs are not too high.
